I hadn't been to the cemetery to visit Caleb's grave site recently mostly because my children are now home for the summer and I prefer to go alone there.
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| Similar "Hope" stone |
I went to the cemetery on Friday when I had a small window of time that I was by myself. I was placing a small stone on the site that says "Hope". I have been driving around with that stone in my van ever since I purchased it at the "Christmas Tree Shoppes" (when I was purchasing my oldest son's graduation supplies for the party we had for my oldest son).
It is amazing how the emotions come right back when you remember yet again that your child's body is buried in the ground and in order to be close to it you have to visit a place where mostly older people who die are buried. Life doesn't always make sense. I am not going to ever know for sure the reasons that God chose to allow Caleb to die.
I do have "Hope" though in the saving power of our Lord Jesus Christ. I have the promised "Hope" of seeing Caleb again when the Lord chooses that it is my time to pass on.
I was weeping for what I had and what I will never have again on this earth and really meditating on "time". How could I have survived almost four years without my son? I was mad at God in some ways for allowing the pain to get softer because I don't ever want to forget my son and how special he was and the hole that he left. Sounds crazy huh--that I would even wish the strength of the sorrow to go on? I want that raw searing pain of loss to come over me again, which at times it does sometimes without warning, to somehow connect me again to that time when the warm touch of Caleb was not four years ago, but just a few hours, or days....
I could remember him more clearly in those days of early grief. I am saddened that the memories are faded, but am thankful that I was able to scrapbook the pictures of his 17 months here on earth, for I know that others who have had losses when their babies were younger can't do that. I long to remember his hands and his feet and his hair and his mouth and especially his eyes.
I also know that my grief when Caleb died, and even now, makes me feel closer to God than I ever had in my life. Although I somehow know God is close, I weep for the little boy who once lived in that body in the ground.
The area of the cemetery is quite secluded where Caleb's body is buried and very serene. Woods surround the area. I heard a bird's song and looked up. The whole area where I looked is completely green except for seeing a few bits of brown of the tree trunks...So many trees. Immediately I see a cardinal who seems to be performing just for me...He is bright red and stands out like a beacon. I feel so loved by God. I know that he sent that bird there for me to see and to be reminded that he is in control and that he is watching over me and although I might be hurting, he is there to comfort me. He stayed there for a minute or two and then flew away into the woods.
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| A similar Cardinal |
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own
understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths
straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6