Have many things to catch up on here on my blog. On August 20th it was five years since our sweet Caleb died.
So many things have changed, and many have stayed the same since that first year after we lost our little guy.
*The grief has softened a bit, although it can come back especially at unexpected times.
*I seem to yearn to be with him more and more.
*I still wonder every day if another one of my children will die...knowing now that children dying is not something that only happens to someone else's family.
*I check my 3 year old daughters breathing a couple times a night.
*I still sneak in her room before morning to sleep next to her, knowing that tomorrow is never promised.
*The life that I live is not one that I dreamed that I would have.
*Family life, because of different individual personalities/decisions, has been more difficult since Caleb's death and I wonder how much of it has to do with all of us handling the death in different ways.
*As I watch negative things going on, I wonder, even five years later if things would be the same if Caleb hadn't died.
*I still feel like I'm in a fog a lot...forgetting what day, month, season or year it is. Time seemed to stop when Caleb died.
*I have aged a lot and can't seem to motivate myself to care as much about myself as I did before.
*I have seen the Grace of God firsthand in my life in ways that I never would have seen had Caleb not died. *I have experienced the blessing of great friendships and support from my local community and beyond.
*I have grown a lot closer to God through the death of Caleb.
*My level of compassion for others who are grieving has grown immeasurably.
This list could go on and on...
I miss my Caleb and long to hold him close and to feel him warm and feel his breath on my neck.
Caleb Daniel Brule 2/26/07-8/20/08
This video/story touched my heart. We all have so much more in common than we have differences (those who have lost).
True Story about a Father and His deceased son's truck
I Drive Your Truck
Hello! I am a wife, married for 23 years and a mother to seven. I have two daughters and five sons, one of whom is in heaven. We love the Lord are trying to bring our children up in the training and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4) We live in the Northeast in a cozy 100+ year old house. Welcome to my blog.
thinking of you...and feeling the same about so many things you mentioned.
ReplyDeletePretty much everything you said in this post resonates with me. Especially the yearning to be with our children more and more...and that the life you are living is never the one you dreamed you would have...
ReplyDeleteWhen I first started reading your blog you were three years from losing Caleb. At that time it seemed like you were SO FAR ahead of me on the road. You were a source of wisdom and encouragement (still are ) that you were still breathing. Now as it has been over two years since Eva's death and I am slowly but daily advancing towards the three year mark I realize how close we actually are...thank you so much for your encouragement on my blog. You bless me indeed, and because you bless me, Caleb blesses me. Thank you Caleb for sending your mama over to give comfort to this grieving mama.
Thank you Em. I always love reading your blog and I thank you for mentioning Caleb's name <3 You understand what it means to hear/see their name. <3 Cheryl
Delete"Time seemed to stop when Caleb died". That is such a statement I resonate with. It seems the world came to a crashing halt. And then turned. . .and everything is different. Except God. He is the same. . and I will spend the rest of my life trying to understand that. . . Thank you for writing. . .Will you post on my blog sometime?
ReplyDeleteYes, time still stands still for me at times...still confused about how the seasons change and the calendar and the days and the hours. How can it be? I love to read your blog. You are so early in your days of grief and I am so thankful that you have an outlet for your emotions and write so eloquently and "real".
DeleteYour comment about posting on your blog...do you mean to comment on it? <3 Cheryl