We Are Nine

October in New England (and our home)

Caleb's tree is producing berries. Even though it appears as though the tree is dying (losing it's leaves and will eventually lose its berries), its roots are becoming stronger than ever under the ground. He too is stronger than ever in Heaven with our Father.

The Maple trees in our yard are beautiful. They are mostly yellow and give the whole yard a beautiful glow about it. My children all carved their pumpkins this weekend. My family does not "celebrate" Halloween, but we do carve pumpkins. The boys love the feel of the slimy insides and we love the pumpkin seeds for roasting with salt. We usually have a family night of bowling/movie and/or dining out instead of going "trick-or-treating".

The baby has been quite the challenge in the "nursing" department. You would think after having six other children...all who nursed for a year and a half each...that it would be a breeze---not! The doctors are watching her closely because she is not gaining weight as quickly as they would like her to. I wonder if somehow it is related to me having too much amniotic fluid and maybe somehow it compromised her.

A friend of mine saw her yesterday and said--Wow--she looks smaller than when I saw her at the hospital. Truly she is smaller--still not back up to her birth weight, but to hear it made me sad because I spend most of my day/night trying to help her with her nursing issues. She is gaining and, like I said, is being watched closely, so I'm not worried that she is not getting enough to drink, but I hope that this gets easier soon.

She has a sleepy and content disposition and would sleep the day away if I let her. The other children have adjusted well to her being home and argue over who gets to hold her and for how long, etc. They are all so anxious to get their arms around her, but I've yet to get one child to change a diaper!

I thought that I would post another picture of our newest blessing.


I have struggled more than I thought I would with my grief lately. The baby's birth has brought up some really raw feelings again and new things to grieve the loss of Caleb about...

Caleb is in a better place, I know, but I constantly see all of the things that he is missing by not being able to experience being a big brother. I also feel like I have post traumatic stress syndrome surrounding the way in which Caleb died and I feel like I am constantly wondering if the baby is breathing and wondering when I'm going to find her "cold". It sounds morbid, but it is a reality in my home where I've seen my last baby after he has died. It can be a very dark place.

When I was in the hospital with the baby she stopped breathing when she started choking on mucous. I was ringing for the nurse frantically, while trying without success, as I had been shown years earlier how to dislodge mucous from a baby's airway. The nurse came in my room quickly, although it seemed like a long time. I handed her the baby and fell into a heap on the bed. I sobbed and sobbed. I know that sometimes babies die and I was reminded of the way in which Caleb died (asphyxiation) and was horrified to think that this baby wasn't immune to tragedy either.

The nurse Diane was able to help the baby breathe again and she consoled me too. She must have been told about Caleb's death because she was so sad that this had to happen to me after I had already lost a child. She had tears in her eyes.

Luckily I have faith in Jesus and know that he is walking with me on this journey. There is a purpose in this tragedy and I guess I'm here for as long as He allows me to be here and will try and glorify Him even though I don't understand His ways.

Isaiah 55:8-9 (New Living Translation)
8 “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD.
“And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.
9 For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so my ways are higher than your ways
and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.

I am going to try to get a few things done before the kids get home from school. I am going to roast the pumpkin seeds among other things. My oldest daughter is going to drive the four boys to the dentist this afternoon...I still shouldn't drive. This is the first time that I'm asking her to do something like that. I hope that they boys behave at the dentist's office. I'm sure I will hear about it if they don't. :)

Hope you are all well.

With love and hope,

Cheryl