541 Days

Caleb

Today marks 541 days that Elisabeth has blessed us here on earth. Her "older" brother, little Caleb, lived a total of 541 days on earth and now resides in Heaven with our blessed Lord Jesus. It has sometimes been a difficult journey for us who are left here.

From the time that Peter and I (42 years old) decided to have another baby after Caleb's death, to the reality during pregancy that she had cysts in her head (sometimes indicative of Trisomy 18, but sometimes "normal"), to her choking/gagging in the hospital, to the nightly ritual of watching in her video monitor to see/listen to her breathe, to waking up every morning and reassuring myself that she is still alive and well, to the "blanket" that covers our living children and makes my heart heavy--that is sometimes invisible--but very alive in their hearts about how each one continues to grieve in different ways...we now come to the day that speaks to my heart in a bittersweet way.

Today is the day that Elisabeth is exactly the age that Caleb was on the date that he died. I'm really not sure what this post is mostly about...more a description of our reality and feelings about events in our lives surrounding the loss of a child so deep that it is difficult to put into words.

I am thankful that Elisabeth will be one day older tomorrow, but so sad for Caleb, that he never got to see another day. I know, he is in Heaven and is much happier than he would be here on earth, but for me, I will never fully understand that reality until I myself am holding him in Heaven.

I was having difficulty with some of my children recently and a friend asked me (who recently lost her 29 year old daughter to cancer) if I found it harder to deal with my children since Caleb died. My response to her was...I know it is more difficult after Caleb died. I used to think that he was a handful (mischevous) when he was here (which he was), but I find that the emotional drain after he has died is sometimes more "work or stress" than if he was here. Even though he is not here I feel as though I am taking care of seven children. One in my heart. It is constant work to try and not let the enemy in.

To experience a tragic circumstance and have permanent separation from your beloved child is beyond description. I do have a deep faith and I know that God has been with me during the loss of Caleb and throughout my grief journey and all that it has dragged me through and taught me. Sometimes you learn through the saddest of circumstances. As a parent I wish I could turn the clock back and take his place, but because that is not possible, I choose to focus on Heaven.

I believe God's Word. I don't know what people do that don't have a secure Hope beyond this world full of trials. I have the promise of eternity in Heaven because I have chosen not to die for my sins, but to accept Christ as my savior and therefore He has taken the punishment for my sins.

Without salvation, the separation from our God on the day of judgement will be so much worse than the separation from our loved one. Can you just imagine for a minute what life here on earth would be like without God? We get just glimpses of what it might be like, but even the worst situations here during our life here on earth cannot even begin to really show us what true separation from God will be like for those who aren't saved.

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23

But God proves His own love for us in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us! Romans 5:8

If you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord", and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. Romans 10:9

With the heart on believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth one confesses, resulting in salvation. Romans 10:10

Thank you God, for without the Hope of eternal life in Heaven the trials of this earth would be unbearable.

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We love you to the moon and back Caleb and we miss you more than I can adequately express. Sorrows beyond sorrows. We will hold you again, and for that I am grateful beyond measure.

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I will turn their mourning into gladness;

I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow. Jeremiah 31:13

Those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

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