Hard

Grieving is hard...

No words to describe the hollow place in your heart...

I still haven't really regained my sense of time since Caleb died...

isn't it still August of 2008?

I am sitting here tonight putting a slide show together of Caleb's life. I am thankful for the time that we had together, but it wasn't nearly enough for me. I am human and I want more time...I want to die before my children.

This time of year is so difficult for me. What should be a celebratory time...with both mine and my husband's birthday on August 12th and our second oldest son's on the 14th we should be looking forward to celebrating the gift of our loved ones births...

Instead I have to face the fact that every time I drive by that cemetery in the center of town (that I hardly noticed before Caleb died), it contains the remains of my son...It may sound morbid, but his curly locks are still preserved in the ground. I think about those things. A grieving mom does.

I notice the other grave sites that contain the remains of children and I mourn with them for their babies. How can I not. I will never be the same.

I cry more and I feel more.

The Lord has blessed our family and I am grateful for that. I do find, most days, that I am doing much better than I was in the beginning of this grief battle.

On days like this, when I see so many pictures with Caleb, so full of life, I mourn like I did in the beginning of this realization that he is not ever going to be with me/us on earth again.

I look forward to Heaven and being with my Heavenly Father and my beloved, little son Caleb.

May I glorify God with what I have learned from this difficult trial. That is my prayer. I don't want to waste this trial...it is too big a trial to not learn from and try and help. God give me the words and the focus to help someone.

Tearful in New England
But not without Hope,
Goodnight my blogging friends,
Cheryl